Decisions & Questioning My Choices

Today I was scheduled for a 12 mile run. Last week I did 10, and it was pretty difficult miles 7-9, and even the final part. The week before was 8, and I felt great. The week before was 7 and it went well too. Today....I did well, got the first 5.5 out of the way and stopped to make a phone call. (First time ever for this, but had a limited opportunity over the "lunch hour" to take care of an issue.) And then I continued on, and I'm not really sure what happened.

I was eating my Bee Stinger Chomps, so I had the physical energy, although I kept having to circle Riverside to be able to get to the water fountains (which is always annoying). But I got down to 28th, and drank some water, and all of a sudden, I was like, "I don't care, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done." And I ran back to my car, finishing strong and at 9.6 miles. I still had 2.4 left to go, and at that point, I was even thinking that "Whatever, I can just do the Half at Houston in January."

I've never done this before, that I can remember. Once I say I'm going to DO something, I DO IT. Period, done, no second guessing, no turning back. I was just over it. I was just thinking to myself that I did 3 marathons this year, and my only goal, at all, was to be able to run a marathon by the time I was 30. Obviously, I did that. I did 3 when I was 23. Then of course, once I accomplished that, I thought to myself, that I wanted to be able to qualify for Boston before 30, but honestly - I'm just not that fast, at least not at this point.

I've only been running for about a year and a half, so the fact that I've made it this far and done as much as I have, and ran through my aches, pains, stresses, and life obstacles, is really awesome. And I AM doing really well. I'm not sure why this happened today, but it's just really making me question a lot of other things.

Running used to be the thing I could turn to when I was down. Running is what helps me stay in shape, helps me to feel healthy, helps me to feel sexy and strong. Running used to be what bonded me to others, and granted, I'm the one that has pulled away from everyone, but I'm not sure why. Part of it has to do with the fact that I am in a relationship now, and he did used to run with me, but he doesn't anymore. He doesn't NOT run WITH me, he just doesn't run at all (not like he really ever had to either).

I miss my girl, I miss my old roommate, I miss my previous coworkers. I don't dislike the fact that I bought a house, or that I now work for myself, but there has been a lot of major changes. Running is NOT supposed to be that change. It's always supposed to be there, for me, up and down the hills, through the sun, rain, and snow. Never failing, not the running, and not me either.

But what's the point of doing the marathon in comparison to the half? The half is still quite the push, and that's what I'm doing in November in Tulsa; I had even incorporated it into my marathon training (as well as possible). There's nothing wrong with doing that in Houston either, and if I did do that, then I wouldn't be as exhausted all through December, January, and while I was in Houston and get to spend some NON PAINFUL time with my aunt.

I think the point is that the marathon is the real test. If I don't do it, my other friends Shelley & Shannan ARE going to, and they're going to do AWESOME. And I'll feel disappointed, in myself, that I couldn't or wouldn't do the training to do it with them. But do I really want to?

The way I feel after a 3 mile run is like I'm getting warmed up.

After a 6 mile - feeling really good.

After a 10+ (at least at the moment) - yeah....this is getting long, and I'm tired.

I remember putting in those miles, those footsteps last winter. My 20 mile run, on January 1st, with ice and snow on the ground, I felt like I was ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING. And I was, I reached over a hurdle that I never thought I would conquer. And when I ran my first marathon in Phoenix and crossed that finish line, that feeling was amazing. Fast forward to 7 weeks later in Little Rock, Arkansas, after those hills and the nausea - I didn't even want to finish, but I did because how the Hell else was I going to get to the finish line where my friends were waiting? And then Oklahoma City, 7 weeks after that, it was just for fun. I had a great run, even sprinted to the finish line, and then - my time was the slowest of all 3.

I'm not really sure what to do. The Tulsa Run is on October 30th, and I won't do another long run before then, but my plan is to do the Tulsa Run and then add 4 miles either right after or that evening to be able to use it for training. The week after that is an 18 mile run, I believe. *sigh* I'm not sure what to do and this is stressing me out, along with so many other things in life. Running is supposed to be my release from all of it, not be the problem.

Weekly Timing

Sunday, January 10th - 4 miles on the treadmill at the gym and a little lifting and ab work

Monday, January 11th - ran 6 miles at a 10:08 pace with my roommate and a couple other girls. It was a little slick because we went at night, but it was still fun. I was a little 'over it' though. I've just been really tired lately, not really sure why.

Tuesday, January 12th - Usually my 'off day' but I knew that since the marathon was Sunday that Saturday was going to be a driving/off day. So I went to the gym during my lunch break from work and lifted. It felt good to use the leg press machine and do lunges again. My butt hurt again the next day - but in a GOOD way. :-)

Wednesday, January 13th - 7.87 at 10:28 pace. Tad and I went out about 9:30 or so and the wind was at our backs, along with the sun and it was warm. I ended up stripping my top layer off and leaving it, until I turned around. After that point, we were running into the wind and it was REALLY quite difficult. Tad ended up having pains shoot up through his knee about 5.5 miles, so I continued on, picked up the car and drove back to get him. He just needs to rest, and hopefully everything will be set for Sunday's race.

Thursday, January 14th - I didn't feel awesome this day. I hadn't really been feeling great all week, and I went in early to work and then ended up leaving during my 3 hour break and returning later. After work,I went to the gym and just walked on the treadmill with a very steep incline for about 20 miles or a little over 2 miles. Then I went and did a little ab work and sat in the sauna. I felt like I was starting to get sick with a sinus infection and I needed all the help getting the toxins out that I could use.

Friday, January 15th - Last little run before marathon day. 2.72 miles at a 10:06 pace. It felt like an easy run, but I started out without much effort and then after I realized I was going to be running farther than 2 miles, I started slowing down. I just didn't have or want to put forth the energy to keep the pace up. I felt alright though, breathing, my nose was just running. The doctor sent me a prescription for a Z-pack, and the last pill is to be taken Sunday morning. So hopefully....hopefully it's better.

Tad, Jerry (our driver and friend), and I piled into the car on Friday night about 7PM to head for Phoenix. We're going to do the Rock & Roll Marathon there on Sunday - about 7 hours from now, I will be suited up, with my belt, new hat that says 26.2 and glided up too! My shorts aren't 'new' but they are the CORRECT size so hopefully no chaffing and I'm just hoping and praying that Tad's knee issue was because he needed new shoes. Check back for the update on how running a marathon in NEW shoes goes for the poor guy! He's been wearing them since he picked them up Friday after work, but he hasn't ran in them because he's trying to give his knee the most rest possible.
His knee, my nose...and worst of all - hotel beds and a strange atmosphere that's not home. But! It's flat and we don't REPEAT anything! There's no doubling back (Riverside is a BORE!) or copying any part of the trail. We will run in Phoenix, Scotsdale, and Mesa! And so far, I'm loving what I see here....perhaps this will be my next place.......