Decisions & Questioning My Choices

Today I was scheduled for a 12 mile run. Last week I did 10, and it was pretty difficult miles 7-9, and even the final part. The week before was 8, and I felt great. The week before was 7 and it went well too. Today....I did well, got the first 5.5 out of the way and stopped to make a phone call. (First time ever for this, but had a limited opportunity over the "lunch hour" to take care of an issue.) And then I continued on, and I'm not really sure what happened.

I was eating my Bee Stinger Chomps, so I had the physical energy, although I kept having to circle Riverside to be able to get to the water fountains (which is always annoying). But I got down to 28th, and drank some water, and all of a sudden, I was like, "I don't care, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done." And I ran back to my car, finishing strong and at 9.6 miles. I still had 2.4 left to go, and at that point, I was even thinking that "Whatever, I can just do the Half at Houston in January."

I've never done this before, that I can remember. Once I say I'm going to DO something, I DO IT. Period, done, no second guessing, no turning back. I was just over it. I was just thinking to myself that I did 3 marathons this year, and my only goal, at all, was to be able to run a marathon by the time I was 30. Obviously, I did that. I did 3 when I was 23. Then of course, once I accomplished that, I thought to myself, that I wanted to be able to qualify for Boston before 30, but honestly - I'm just not that fast, at least not at this point.

I've only been running for about a year and a half, so the fact that I've made it this far and done as much as I have, and ran through my aches, pains, stresses, and life obstacles, is really awesome. And I AM doing really well. I'm not sure why this happened today, but it's just really making me question a lot of other things.

Running used to be the thing I could turn to when I was down. Running is what helps me stay in shape, helps me to feel healthy, helps me to feel sexy and strong. Running used to be what bonded me to others, and granted, I'm the one that has pulled away from everyone, but I'm not sure why. Part of it has to do with the fact that I am in a relationship now, and he did used to run with me, but he doesn't anymore. He doesn't NOT run WITH me, he just doesn't run at all (not like he really ever had to either).

I miss my girl, I miss my old roommate, I miss my previous coworkers. I don't dislike the fact that I bought a house, or that I now work for myself, but there has been a lot of major changes. Running is NOT supposed to be that change. It's always supposed to be there, for me, up and down the hills, through the sun, rain, and snow. Never failing, not the running, and not me either.

But what's the point of doing the marathon in comparison to the half? The half is still quite the push, and that's what I'm doing in November in Tulsa; I had even incorporated it into my marathon training (as well as possible). There's nothing wrong with doing that in Houston either, and if I did do that, then I wouldn't be as exhausted all through December, January, and while I was in Houston and get to spend some NON PAINFUL time with my aunt.

I think the point is that the marathon is the real test. If I don't do it, my other friends Shelley & Shannan ARE going to, and they're going to do AWESOME. And I'll feel disappointed, in myself, that I couldn't or wouldn't do the training to do it with them. But do I really want to?

The way I feel after a 3 mile run is like I'm getting warmed up.

After a 6 mile - feeling really good.

After a 10+ (at least at the moment) - yeah....this is getting long, and I'm tired.

I remember putting in those miles, those footsteps last winter. My 20 mile run, on January 1st, with ice and snow on the ground, I felt like I was ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING. And I was, I reached over a hurdle that I never thought I would conquer. And when I ran my first marathon in Phoenix and crossed that finish line, that feeling was amazing. Fast forward to 7 weeks later in Little Rock, Arkansas, after those hills and the nausea - I didn't even want to finish, but I did because how the Hell else was I going to get to the finish line where my friends were waiting? And then Oklahoma City, 7 weeks after that, it was just for fun. I had a great run, even sprinted to the finish line, and then - my time was the slowest of all 3.

I'm not really sure what to do. The Tulsa Run is on October 30th, and I won't do another long run before then, but my plan is to do the Tulsa Run and then add 4 miles either right after or that evening to be able to use it for training. The week after that is an 18 mile run, I believe. *sigh* I'm not sure what to do and this is stressing me out, along with so many other things in life. Running is supposed to be my release from all of it, not be the problem.

New Lifting Workout & Still Running!

Monday, October 26th - New Upper Body Workout! I put all my P90X exercises together and everything else that I've learned and divided it into about 8 upper body exercises and then added 1 or 2 legs exercises at the end and beginning of each one. It divided up into 5 days, with only about 60-70 minutes of lifting instead of the 90+. It has been a LOT easier to get through this past week by changing that! So day #1 today! I took a girl from work with me, and she wasn't TOO sore the following day, but I think she enjoyed it!

Tuesday, October 27th - I went out for a 3 mile run. I ended up being warmed up at 3, so continued on for 5 miles at a 11:11 / mile. I felt really good at the end. After that, I headed to the gym for Arms #2!

Wednesday, October 28th - Gold's has a Yoga class at 10AM, so not too early for my day off! I attended this and Keri is an AWESOME teacher. She knows how to push the more advanced students in her class (me actually!) and gives everyone options for where they're at. After this, I rode the bike for about 30 minutes. I thought that was going to be it for the day, because I was hungry and had some errands to run. But I ended up going shopping, eating a bite, and coming back and doing Arms #3! I was REALLY sore Thursday from the Yoga and possibly the new Ab exercises that I tried.

Thursday, October 29th - I didn't make it to the gym BEFORE work, so I headed there after for intervals on the treadmill. I believe last time I did 6 X 400 at 7.0 on the treadmill (8:34 / mile). I THINK that's what I did, because I failed at what I tried to do this time. I started out and got 2.5 laps at (2X400 and 1X200) at a 7.5 (8:00 mile). I just couldn't keep it up, either because I was so busy at work and I hadn't eaten much or my legs and knee hurt so much, or I was just being a wuss, not really sure. But I continued, and just slowed it down. So I added 3X400 at 7.0 (8:34 / mile) and then walked to get to 3 miles even. My left knee hurt quite a bit after this, but I had run out of the Tramadol the doctor has prescribed and not had time to pick any more up. I swam a couple laps after this and then sat in the hot tub. I had promised myself while I was still at work that if I went and did intervals, that I could sit in the hot tub, so that was my reward.

Friday, October 30th - Day off! Tomorrow is the Tulsa Run, and speaking of which, I need to get some sleep for my 9.3 mile race!!!