Thursday, May 27, 2010

Laying It All Out There - Honesty Time

Late night snacking, watching TV, being bored....those are my downfalls, my weaknesses. Exercise is not the problem, at leaset not in amount or time spent. Intensity, perhaps sometimes, but I'm lucky right now. I have no children, no pets, heck, I don't even have a boyfriend. I work Wednesday night through Sunday and have plenty of time to go to classes, run, and workout at the gym.

So exercise isn't the problem, I can burn calories. I just need to not intake SO many calories that I can't burn through them.
The worst part? I typically watch TV, specifically The Biggest Loser tv show and eat dinner, snacks...and crap.
It's funny. I won't even allow myself to buy boxes of cookies, candy, chips, fast food, any of that crap.

I was a vegetarian for almost 2 years, partly because I was trying to lose weight.
I ran a MARATHON to try to lose weight.

I sweat, I calculate, and I hide. I watch this TV show and it makes these contestants realize what it is that's hiding behind their eating habits, what they're fearing.
I know a lot of my problem is boredom. Stress probably comes next. I don't really like to talk about issues that I have with situations or other people, because I don't want to feel as though I'm complaining, and I dislike confrontation. So instead, I bury the negative thoughts deep in my mind, and eat something sweet. Sugar makes everything better. For a very short period of time.
Honestly, I think my biggest issue or perhaps...fear is the right way to describe it. I never had a problem with weight when I was a child, I was a toothpick. My family always called me the garbage disposer because I could PUT SOME FOOD AWAY! I was so tiny, until 8th grade. That's when I started to develop some serious curves. I never wore a size 0, 2, or even a 4. And to be frank, I never wanted to. I didn't know that I was 'supposed' to. I didn't know that was believed to be 'beautiful' or the 'perfect size'. I was athletic, curvy, pretty and believed in myself.
Until men entered the picture. They were very attracted to me, and I started to feel that the only thing I had to offer them was my physical appearance. It didn't matter how I felt, what I said, or what was real on the inside. Men look at very few things in the first 5 seconds they meet you - period, end of story.
I'm sure it didn't help that a million years ago, when I was married (yes; young, dumb, and stupid) my husband told me that if I was to get fat, he would divorce me. I so wanted to be beautiful for him, and never felt like I was good enough. I would try everything I knew and even things I didn't know. Some of the experiments were probably healthier than others too.

Beauty school was probably the rock bottom, and then dissolving of another relationship with a man that I deeply cared for. I just kept thinking that if I was smaller, he would love me, he would want me. Because in my mind, men want woman that are thin, pretty. I finally figured out how to lose weight, but in a very unhealthy way.
Eating, no eating, eating disorders are a very difficult thing to deal with. Your mind is so obsessed with food at every moment, it just takes control of you. When you look in the mirror, you don't see someone beautiful, you don't see colorful, bright eyes, a pretty smile, good skin. You see tears, frown, broken blood vessels, and pale skin. You begin to distance yourself from everyone because food is a necessity of life, and your friends, family they attempt to bring food into your life. You push them away, making yourself even more alone than before, the only one you can count on. The only thing you have control over, complete control.

There is one thing I have no control over, and I have to relinquish the desire for it. One thing I learned when I was younger, women want to marry their father. Men, when they're dating - look at the girl's mother to see how she will turn out. For better or worse. And as right or wrong as it is, and I know that it's not right, and I'm sorry - but I don't want to turn out like my mother, nor do I want to look like her. I have watched her throughout my whole life, struggle with her weight. Always on one diet or another, never putting herself first, always living for her children, her husband, her relatives, her community, never doing what she needed to do to take care of herself.
It bothers me so much, it hurts so much inside when I see her and I realize that most likely, MOST LIKELY, she's NOT going to be there if/when I have grandchildren. She was diagnosed with cancer last year, and because she was so overweight, they wouldn't do surgery on her. They put her through chemotheraphy instead, with my father beside her every single time. She's in remission now, but she needs to focus on herself and her health for once.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be happy, I want to love myself. I want to love someone else, to have a family perhaps, if that's what's in the cards. I want to be able to stand in front of the mirror and be confident with who is looking back at me, to see the light shining from within, like it used to, before other type of thoughts consumed me.

Boredom - read a book.
Stress - do some yoga. Talk to a friend.
Fear - discover who I am, who the real me is. Understand that I am beautiful just the way I am.

I am scared though, I became SO obsessed after dating one guy that, once again, told me that I was the biggest girl he ever dated. Why people say cruel things like that, or like the kids in high school did, I will never know. They have no right, just as I don't either, to judge others. We all do, regardless if it's appropriate. I don't want to be fat. I just want to be beautiful. And I wish sometimes, that I could see what other people see. Perhaps one day.

And perhaps I purposely sabotage myself because if I would allow myself to look like I used to, then maybe, for the first time in over 2 years, someone would become interested, a relationship would follow, and then more hurt would occur once the relationship dissolved. *sad smile* I "happily" say that I'm single, but the truth is that yes, while I enjoy doing exactly what I want, whenever I want, however I want...there is something so amazingly special about finding someone you can connect with, have good chemistry with, and share similiary core values and morals. And see, if I don't allow anyone to get close, then they can't hurt me. Sounds perfectly reasonable, right? A little ridiculous, but it's the perfect shield I suppose. If you don't open the door, no one can come inside. Unfortunately - there are still windows.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Full Moon Run

So I've been stuck a bit. Up and down about 5 pounds for a while now, with the exception of that crazy HCG diet week.

Honestly - I've been lazier. Not as crazy about getting my miles in, getting to classes, calculating every single calorie, allowing myself to have an alcoholic drink. Lazy I suppose equals living life.

Strangeness though - my self confidence is increasing, most of the time. I'm allowing myself to actually socialize with other people and not be so insecure about how I look or my weight not being where it should be. I think for a long time, I was waiting on living life until I achieved this goal, and so I wouldn't allow myself to do anything fun in the meantime.

I've discovered I love yoga. Power Yoga with Keri at Gold's is so hard, but it's so good or my mind, my body, my soul. I started taking yoga at Inner Peace when I can, and even though physically, it's not as hard, it's still great for the rest of me.
I did the Full Moon 5K run last Saturday and ended up taking off almost a full SIX MINUTES off last year's time. 27:30 is the fastest I've ever done a 5K, so I'm SUPER proud of that. I actually saw one of my guy friends beforehand and told him that my goal was for getting below 29. He told me "I've seen your training runs, I know you can run faster than that. You can get like 27." So we 'bartered' back and forth, and he helped me set my watch to make sure that I could check on it while I was running.
Last night I went to the TU Track speed interval workouts. I told the man in charge how fast I did the Full Moon Run, so he put me in the group he thought best, "5" I think. We ran a 1200, 1000, 800, 600, and 400. Each time we ran the different distances, we sped up, with a 200 meter recovery in between each distance. In the 400, I pushed myself up to where I had on Saturday night the last .2 of the mile, heartrate was at 94%. Ridiculous! I looked down and the fastest my Garmin said was 6:53/mile - that's REALLY awesome, especially for me!

So...I'm enjoying running a bit faster and not longer. I do have a few requests to be a pacer for that crazy 50 mile run, which I said I didn't want to do. 2 different people, so that would be 20.6 miles for me. *rolls eyes* I thought I was going to get out of training for long distances this summer.....

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Another Marathon Down & Dieting Disaster

OKC's marathon - 4:55:14 I believe is my time. 3rd marathon in 4 months. It was a beautiful day, a little windy, and a bit TOO EARLY in my opinion to start. I say that of course, because I was cold when I started, but by 11:30 when I was finishing, I was plenty warm. Plenty!

This one...actually wasn't too bad. I ran with Tad, my roommate for the first 6 miles. He headed off to the bathroom though, so I ended up losing him between 6 and 20. He found another couple girls to run with, so they ended up passing me later on with her.
I'm not really sure WHAT was going through my head this whole race - I was just kind of in my own little world, watching people, not really thinking about anything in particular. I met one nice man that said that me dancing along to my music was keeping him motivated. :-) That made me feel pretty special, I love the idea that I have helped someone else accomplish something.

I feel like I had a great race, there was A LOT of water stations, and I usually walk through them because it's easier to drink out of those cups, but this time, I started skipping some of them, just because I didn't want to go over 5 hours in time. I was really proud though, that at the end, I could still run all out the final .2 of the mile to the finish line, under a 9:00/mile at one point when I glanced down at my Garmin. :-) Super stoked about that.

So I tried that diet....yeah, no. Didn't happen. I lasted for about 5 days, on a 500 calorie diet. I lost 9 pounds, which is awesome, but I had 0% energy level too. I was sleeping at least 8 hours every single night, usually 10. I tried to run, 3 times. The first time was the day after the marathon, which I've never tried before (just to see if I could do it and I COULD!) and I did about 5.5. The next run was 3 miles, and I was pretty exhausted afterwards. I did a "light" Power Yoga class, and some lifting on my own and went through those workouts by myself. Then I tried again to run another 3 mile run, and 3 miles to me is a warm-up. By the end of mile 2, I HAD to stop to just get my heart rate back down, and I felt like I was going to pass out by the time I got home. So I decided after the girls out south told me that I looked really sad, never laughing, that I was going to discontinue that craziness.
Later, I talked with one of my clients that had done it, and she said that it sounded like I wasn't using a good form of HCG (the hormone for energy) she said if I decided to try it again, to call her and she would get me the one she uses and loves.