Late night snacking, watching TV, being bored....those are my downfalls, my weaknesses. Exercise is not the problem, at leaset not in amount or time spent. Intensity, perhaps sometimes, but I'm lucky right now. I have no children, no pets, heck, I don't even have a boyfriend. I work Wednesday night through Sunday and have plenty of time to go to classes, run, and workout at the gym.
So exercise isn't the problem, I can burn calories. I just need to not intake SO many calories that I can't burn through them.
The worst part? I typically watch TV, specifically The Biggest Loser tv show and eat dinner, snacks...and crap.
It's funny. I won't even allow myself to buy boxes of cookies, candy, chips, fast food, any of that crap.
I was a vegetarian for almost 2 years, partly because I was trying to lose weight.
I ran a MARATHON to try to lose weight.
I sweat, I calculate, and I hide. I watch this TV show and it makes these contestants realize what it is that's hiding behind their eating habits, what they're fearing.
I know a lot of my problem is boredom. Stress probably comes next. I don't really like to talk about issues that I have with situations or other people, because I don't want to feel as though I'm complaining, and I dislike confrontation. So instead, I bury the negative thoughts deep in my mind, and eat something sweet. Sugar makes everything better. For a very short period of time.
Honestly, I think my biggest issue or perhaps...fear is the right way to describe it. I never had a problem with weight when I was a child, I was a toothpick. My family always called me the garbage disposer because I could PUT SOME FOOD AWAY! I was so tiny, until 8th grade. That's when I started to develop some serious curves. I never wore a size 0, 2, or even a 4. And to be frank, I never wanted to. I didn't know that I was 'supposed' to. I didn't know that was believed to be 'beautiful' or the 'perfect size'. I was athletic, curvy, pretty and believed in myself.
Until men entered the picture. They were very attracted to me, and I started to feel that the only thing I had to offer them was my physical appearance. It didn't matter how I felt, what I said, or what was real on the inside. Men look at very few things in the first 5 seconds they meet you - period, end of story.
I'm sure it didn't help that a million years ago, when I was married (yes; young, dumb, and stupid) my husband told me that if I was to get fat, he would divorce me. I so wanted to be beautiful for him, and never felt like I was good enough. I would try everything I knew and even things I didn't know. Some of the experiments were probably healthier than others too.
Beauty school was probably the rock bottom, and then dissolving of another relationship with a man that I deeply cared for. I just kept thinking that if I was smaller, he would love me, he would want me. Because in my mind, men want woman that are thin, pretty. I finally figured out how to lose weight, but in a very unhealthy way.
Eating, no eating, eating disorders are a very difficult thing to deal with. Your mind is so obsessed with food at every moment, it just takes control of you. When you look in the mirror, you don't see someone beautiful, you don't see colorful, bright eyes, a pretty smile, good skin. You see tears, frown, broken blood vessels, and pale skin. You begin to distance yourself from everyone because food is a necessity of life, and your friends, family they attempt to bring food into your life. You push them away, making yourself even more alone than before, the only one you can count on. The only thing you have control over, complete control.
There is one thing I have no control over, and I have to relinquish the desire for it. One thing I learned when I was younger, women want to marry their father. Men, when they're dating - look at the girl's mother to see how she will turn out. For better or worse. And as right or wrong as it is, and I know that it's not right, and I'm sorry - but I don't want to turn out like my mother, nor do I want to look like her. I have watched her throughout my whole life, struggle with her weight. Always on one diet or another, never putting herself first, always living for her children, her husband, her relatives, her community, never doing what she needed to do to take care of herself.
It bothers me so much, it hurts so much inside when I see her and I realize that most likely, MOST LIKELY, she's NOT going to be there if/when I have grandchildren. She was diagnosed with cancer last year, and because she was so overweight, they wouldn't do surgery on her. They put her through chemotheraphy instead, with my father beside her every single time. She's in remission now, but she needs to focus on herself and her health for once.
I don't want to be like that. I want to be happy, I want to love myself. I want to love someone else, to have a family perhaps, if that's what's in the cards. I want to be able to stand in front of the mirror and be confident with who is looking back at me, to see the light shining from within, like it used to, before other type of thoughts consumed me.
Boredom - read a book.
Stress - do some yoga. Talk to a friend.
Fear - discover who I am, who the real me is. Understand that I am beautiful just the way I am.
I am scared though, I became SO obsessed after dating one guy that, once again, told me that I was the biggest girl he ever dated. Why people say cruel things like that, or like the kids in high school did, I will never know. They have no right, just as I don't either, to judge others. We all do, regardless if it's appropriate. I don't want to be fat. I just want to be beautiful. And I wish sometimes, that I could see what other people see. Perhaps one day.
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And perhaps I purposely sabotage myself because if I would allow myself to look like I used to, then maybe, for the first time in over 2 years, someone would become interested, a relationship would follow, and then more hurt would occur once the relationship dissolved. *sad smile* I "happily" say that I'm single, but the truth is that yes, while I enjoy doing exactly what I want, whenever I want, however I want...there is something so amazingly special about finding someone you can connect with, have good chemistry with, and share similiary core values and morals. And see, if I don't allow anyone to get close, then they can't hurt me. Sounds perfectly reasonable, right? A little ridiculous, but it's the perfect shield I suppose. If you don't open the door, no one can come inside. Unfortunately - there are still windows.
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