Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Long Time No Run

It's been a while - a long long while.

Well - first news worthy note: I finally weigh less than I did in high school!

Graduating, I weighed 145, now, most days, I weigh 132. I get to wear a size 4 and finally feel small enough to be beautiful.

The good or bad side: I see my clients, friends, family, and everything tells me how much smaller I am - which I THINK is a good thing - but they are all saying it. And asking me how, what did I do, what did I change, is everything okay?

I say "I don't run, I don't workout. I eat bacon, eggs, and toast every morning and ice cream at night."
So what did change? I know I'm in a relationship now, and I know that typically, for me, that is when I'm smallest. Perhaps because I don't sit and just snack all night long. Plus, when you're in a relationship, you get those "other" feel good feelings that you don't need to get from food. And....I suppose we don't eat out very often. My partner is an amazing cook, and as I've come to learn, that cooking at home, WITH oil and butter tastes good and STILL has less calories than most restaurant food. Plus, I don't feel deprived, which is one of the worst feelings ever, at least for me.

I do want to start running again, doing yoga, working out. I feel "soft". I want to be a strong, sexy woman. Instead, I'm still working for myself in the salon, and now I've also taken another job, as a "office girl" and stressing far more than I need to aka not exercising = more stress and anxiety. I know it's just time set away, importance for myself. Part of it may be that I know that just a year ago, I finished running 26.2 miles, and now.....I can run about a mile, maybe 2. And that's only because I MAKE myself. My knees hurt, my breathing is not amazing, and my sides ache. I'm a beginner again and it makes me sad.

It's strange to me though, that I was able to lose all the weight and not run. That's the whole reason I started to run, to exercise. Yes, it also made me feel good, feel strong, feel healthy, but the ONLY real thing I desired was to be smaller, thinner, sexier. Now I have that, but now I to be strong - will I be able to have both? Or will my quest for strength add back more size than I desire?

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