Decisions & Questioning My Choices

Today I was scheduled for a 12 mile run. Last week I did 10, and it was pretty difficult miles 7-9, and even the final part. The week before was 8, and I felt great. The week before was 7 and it went well too. Today....I did well, got the first 5.5 out of the way and stopped to make a phone call. (First time ever for this, but had a limited opportunity over the "lunch hour" to take care of an issue.) And then I continued on, and I'm not really sure what happened.

I was eating my Bee Stinger Chomps, so I had the physical energy, although I kept having to circle Riverside to be able to get to the water fountains (which is always annoying). But I got down to 28th, and drank some water, and all of a sudden, I was like, "I don't care, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done." And I ran back to my car, finishing strong and at 9.6 miles. I still had 2.4 left to go, and at that point, I was even thinking that "Whatever, I can just do the Half at Houston in January."

I've never done this before, that I can remember. Once I say I'm going to DO something, I DO IT. Period, done, no second guessing, no turning back. I was just over it. I was just thinking to myself that I did 3 marathons this year, and my only goal, at all, was to be able to run a marathon by the time I was 30. Obviously, I did that. I did 3 when I was 23. Then of course, once I accomplished that, I thought to myself, that I wanted to be able to qualify for Boston before 30, but honestly - I'm just not that fast, at least not at this point.

I've only been running for about a year and a half, so the fact that I've made it this far and done as much as I have, and ran through my aches, pains, stresses, and life obstacles, is really awesome. And I AM doing really well. I'm not sure why this happened today, but it's just really making me question a lot of other things.

Running used to be the thing I could turn to when I was down. Running is what helps me stay in shape, helps me to feel healthy, helps me to feel sexy and strong. Running used to be what bonded me to others, and granted, I'm the one that has pulled away from everyone, but I'm not sure why. Part of it has to do with the fact that I am in a relationship now, and he did used to run with me, but he doesn't anymore. He doesn't NOT run WITH me, he just doesn't run at all (not like he really ever had to either).

I miss my girl, I miss my old roommate, I miss my previous coworkers. I don't dislike the fact that I bought a house, or that I now work for myself, but there has been a lot of major changes. Running is NOT supposed to be that change. It's always supposed to be there, for me, up and down the hills, through the sun, rain, and snow. Never failing, not the running, and not me either.

But what's the point of doing the marathon in comparison to the half? The half is still quite the push, and that's what I'm doing in November in Tulsa; I had even incorporated it into my marathon training (as well as possible). There's nothing wrong with doing that in Houston either, and if I did do that, then I wouldn't be as exhausted all through December, January, and while I was in Houston and get to spend some NON PAINFUL time with my aunt.

I think the point is that the marathon is the real test. If I don't do it, my other friends Shelley & Shannan ARE going to, and they're going to do AWESOME. And I'll feel disappointed, in myself, that I couldn't or wouldn't do the training to do it with them. But do I really want to?

The way I feel after a 3 mile run is like I'm getting warmed up.

After a 6 mile - feeling really good.

After a 10+ (at least at the moment) - yeah....this is getting long, and I'm tired.

I remember putting in those miles, those footsteps last winter. My 20 mile run, on January 1st, with ice and snow on the ground, I felt like I was ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING. And I was, I reached over a hurdle that I never thought I would conquer. And when I ran my first marathon in Phoenix and crossed that finish line, that feeling was amazing. Fast forward to 7 weeks later in Little Rock, Arkansas, after those hills and the nausea - I didn't even want to finish, but I did because how the Hell else was I going to get to the finish line where my friends were waiting? And then Oklahoma City, 7 weeks after that, it was just for fun. I had a great run, even sprinted to the finish line, and then - my time was the slowest of all 3.

I'm not really sure what to do. The Tulsa Run is on October 30th, and I won't do another long run before then, but my plan is to do the Tulsa Run and then add 4 miles either right after or that evening to be able to use it for training. The week after that is an 18 mile run, I believe. *sigh* I'm not sure what to do and this is stressing me out, along with so many other things in life. Running is supposed to be my release from all of it, not be the problem.